"I have depression"
It's odd saying those words to people. I believe in transparency
in all things and so I believe there is no harm in telling people, but there's
no telling how they'll react. I don't like hiding things, I don't like lying, and
I've hidden and lied for too long, to my friends, family and myself. I have
depression. It's been the first true thing about me for a long time. If I was
being truly transparent then I would follow that up with "I am also
socially inept, constantly anxious, angry all the time, full of both hate and
apathy for my fellow man, lonely, a self harmer and a suicidal thinker"
All of these are also true, but they're a lot for people to take in. I'm scared
of telling people about myself, because I'm worried I'll lose them, I'm
terrified that my worst fears will come true, that I am hated and I really am
alone in my condition, just me and the parasite.
I'm lonely, I truly am, I've watched my friends break away
from me like pieces of rotting wood from a raft, until I'm perilously balanced
on two old planks starring down into the deep abyss. I'm terrified of being
alone and unfortunately I feel alone a lot of the time. I know people move on
with their lives, that the friends you have at the start of this life will not
be the ones you have at the end of it. But the fact that I can't handle that
scares me, and I'm socially inept enough to not even know how to hang on to the
few friends I do have. I look at peoples names on facebook chat and I'm
terrified that if I start a conversation that they'll hate me for it, that I'm
intruding on them, that I'm a part of their life that they'd rather forget. Of
course if I don't interact with them, I'll lose them in the end. It's an awful
catch 22 that my loneliness has created. "And of course, even if you could
talk to them, you'd have nothing to say to them" Says the parasite.
There are too many aspects of my condition to go into detail
here. I could tell you about my many breakdowns, so common I can track their
progression to a tee, Sadness, anger, laughter. Or I could tell you about the
days I spent at school, in some dark corner, alone, crying, some part of my masochistic
heart hoping against hope, begging, pleading that someone would come and help
me, no one ever came. I was so miserable at school one day a guy asked why I
was so down, he told me to jump in front of a car and laughed, I didn't laugh,
I just sat there and the parasite told me to do it. It's killing me, bit by bit;
inch by inch it is stripping me of everything that I love; my self esteem. My
love of learning. even my passion for craft is tarnished. I can no longer just
sit and write stories as I once did. If I do have any creativity left, it is
buried under tar and rubble.
The scary thing is this story isn't over yet, I wish it was,
but I want it to have a happy ending and for that I must wait. I don't yet know
whether I'll get my friends back, I don't know If I'll ever be passionate
again, I don't know If I'll finish my education. As things stand now I'll
likely stay in bed for the rest of my life, lonely, unhappy and unsatisfied.
I've tried to write this many times, either as a poem, a
song, a story, but I can't wax lyrical about this, not yet, my mind is too full
of tar to do that. SO this is just a condensed train of thought version. I'm
scared to put it out into the world but I will do so, knowledge is power and
nothing good ever came from ignorance. I'm frightened. I don't really want to
go on. But the few times I can see the rain, it's beautiful. The few moments of
happiness I've felt this past year shine all the brighter for the darkness that
engulfs them. This has been the worst year of my life, but some of it has been
kind of sort of a thing that slightly resembles fun. :)
(If this has seemed rambling and nonsensical, that's only because it is.)
(If this has seemed rambling and nonsensical, that's only because it is.)
I've rewritten this a few times now. This is why I do art, my strength is not with words. Hopefully they will be of some kind of use though.
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with depression nearly two years ago, though they believe I was probably suffering from it for at least five years before that. Reading through what you've put is just so familiar. I believe your attitude of letting people know of your condition is much healthier than mine was - which was to tell no-one and hope desperately that they'd just know I was particularly fragile.
I don't have much, if any, answers to how to 'get better' as I don't know I consider myself 'cured' or ever will. I would say I'm surviving though, and I'm doing much better than I was a year, even half a half ago. It takes time and an inncalcuable amount of effort, but it's worth it and completely attainable. You may loose friends, but you'll never be truely alone. You might experience hardships, but they won't last forever. Life is difficult enough without depression, so take advantage of those who support you, take time for yourself when you need it. If anything, you have to be a little bit selfish for a while. Find out what works for you, and what doesn't while you still have family to fall back on.
For me, the most rewarding things are working towards my career, even when it seems impossible to attain. Having that plan in place for the future, and letting it mutate when situations change, so I have something to work towards. I've found having 'long distance' friends works better, because I don't have the time to dedicate to a large social life. Even simple things like I need my sleep, or my depression flairs up much more violantly.
It's silly, but one of the most important things I've had to come to terms with is my avoidance behaviour. I messed up a good amount of my education because unconciously I didn't want to study because if I did study and fail, I wouldn't live up to the standards I'd set for myself. However, it's only impossible when you don't work towards it, and much of life is like that.
Really, what I'm trying to say is, even with depression you can't let yourself stop. Try not to let it control you. Trust me, I know how hard that is, but you are bigger than it. You are better than it. I like to think of it as playing life on hardcore difficulty.